A Thought for Yiskor - Pesach 5769

We are about to say the Yiskor memorial prayers when we pause to remember our loved ones who have been called by G-d to their eternal reward.   We are all surely thinking about them - but I was recently asked:  If, after death, do they still ever think of us? 

The answer is very important for a number of reasons.  Judaism teaches that each of us consists of two contradictory components - body and soul. Upon passing, it is only our bodies that wear out and die, but our souls live on eternally. Since families are bonded through both body AND soul, therefore their connection and bond is also eternal.

This is hinted to in the Torah itself where it describes the death of the Patriarchs as: “going to rest with their fathers.” Furthermore, there is a well known Jewish teaching which maintains that three generations of ancestors return from the spiritual realms to attend the wedding of their descendants.  Also, in the Zohar it is written that the souls of family members in heaven often intercede on behalf of their loved ones still living in this world and that their prayers and efforts on our behalf have great influence on our lives.   

It is readily understood that the Jewish family reaches from birth to the grave. Yet, in truth, it extends further still, in both directions.    Our loved ones are looking down from heaven and what they want most in that we live good lives and get along within the family.   They want us to fulfill all that G-d expects of us.  They want us to be honest, caring, ethical, moral and especially to love one another. 

I guess some families may be like the “Waltons” - like the perfect blended vegetable soup that my wife serves each year on the last day of Pesach.  A turnip, a carrot, a potato, a tomato, a squash and even an onion - every vegetable getting along with all of the others.  Each one helping the others to become one smooth, consistent, pleasant mixture.   They simmer together and meld and the tastes join with one another to reach absolute perfection.  

But most families I know include a bit of matzah as well.  Especially, in a box of handmade Shmura Matza, each piece is a little different.  One may be just a bit too well done.  Another may a bit too thick.  One looks to be perfect….or is it?  They all were made exactly the same way, but they ended up unique and distinctive.  And often, they require a bit of patient chewing before they can be easily swallowed and digested. 

That is not to say I like vegetable soup better than matzah.  I love eating Matzah, even if it isn’t always the easiest thing to chew.  What I enjoy most is to dip my matzah in my vegetable soup and enjoy the tastes together.   I look forward to the matzah and all of the diverse foods of the Seder.  I look forward to Pesach Seders with much family and many friends celebrating together.  It is my favorite time of the year.   It is all about family and all about the children.  It is all about the family of Israel all getting along. 

I heard a story of two siblings in a certain family who did not talk for over twenty years.  After that long, one of the siblings could not even remember why they became so estranged.  How terribly sad!  I can only imagine how bad the parents must have felt.  I can only imagine how bad G-d must feel.  Hashem likes it most when His children get along.  

I would suggest that we use this Yiskor day to meld closer with our families.  I would suggest that we say “I Love you” to a family member and mean it.  I would suggest we look to our families and see if there is someone we haven’t spoken to in a while who we can call up after Yomtov and wish a belated happy Pesach.

The Talmud teaches that G‑d loves a person who does not get angry at others.  It also teaches that if someone offends us we should respectfully raise the issue to hopefully reach a peaceful and amicable resolution.  But it must be done without hostility or withdrawing into a cold prolonged silence.

The bottom line is:  Families need to get along! 

Many therapists and family counselors report a recurring tragic family scenario.  Over the years, a person maintains an angry distance from a relative - it may be a parent, child or sibling. Suddenly, the relative dies, and the love, that was long masked by a veneer of anger, now erupts into the open and the person is full of guilt and regret.   They cry: “How could I have wasted these years” - But it is too late. 

Hashem seeks closeness among people.  It is the evil inclination which seeks to destroy that intimacy and upend the closeness of family.  Consider using this Holiday to reach out to an estranged family member, or even a longtime friend, in a spirit of love and caring.

And, in our own little Anshei Sfard family, wouldn’t it be wonderful if we all could just get along a little bit better.  Wouldn’t it be grand if we only said nice things about each other and see the good that others are doing, rather than allowing ourselves to only focus on what they may be doing…. WRONG. 

Pesach reminds us - it is all about family.  Our immediate families, and the larger Jewish communal family as well.  We are all intertwined.  All of us.  The living and the dead.  We are spiritually linked and connected always. 

Our caring for others, the mitzvos we fulfill and the good deeds which we do can still have a positive impact on our loved ones and on their heavenly experience.  The way we act directly impacts their lives.  We can live lives to make them proud and bring them much merit and blessing. 

With these thoughts, we prepare to say the Yiskor Memorial Prayers.